It’s not uncommon for me to consult with a client hampered by a “fear of success”.
Your knee-jerk reaction could likely be this… “What? Why wouldn’t anyone want success?” But so many people this tendency, that I wanted to address the issue.
Why would a person reject success, so much so, that they actually fear it?
I find it comes from a mindset of compromise and mediocrity. When a person “settles” for the way their life is, rather than seek to expand and improve it, they reject any change, especially success. That’s because success threatens to upset the cushy, comfort zone that a person may have willingly settled into.
These people are likely to engage in self-talk that sounds something like this:
“If I try to be successful, I will only fail, so why disappoint myself.”
“People that are successful are lonely ‘on the top’.”
“I just want to do an honest day for an honest day’s pay!”
“Only people who have money can make money. Why should I even try?”
“People only get to be ‘successful’ by taking unfair advantage of ordinary folks.”
When I hear this sort of self-defeatism, I only hear excuses. Lying behind these vacant excuses are timid and scared people who know their lives will change if they step out of their box and reach for higher goals. So they convince themselves that the best place to be is buried deep within the safe confinement of their self-imposed prison.
This often comes from conditioning at a young age. It then gets reinforced in the person who, for instance, has tried and failed at their own business. That person might quickly tell herself “That’s it… I tried and it’s just a scam.”
Even if you’ve been handicapped in this manner, once you claim the desire to attain more success, you can.
Look back at all the messages you have received since you were a kid. What were they? Did you have people telling you that “You’re a loser” Maybe later in life you heard that “You can’t have your own business without being an MBA.” False! If you want to achieve success in your life, you can get the training you need. And success can follow if you pursue it vigorously.
The main requirement, though, is to stop hiding behind the illusion that you don’t really want or need success. Tell yourself, tell your friends… tell anyone that will listen, that you are making changes and fully intend to reach new levels of success in your life. Now, you’re out of the box and finally on the road to attaining the success that you no longer have cause to fear.
To your Success!
Donna
Donna,
I too have had the fear of success, coming in the form of “Oh, if I do that once, it’ll always be expected of me and I don’t know if I can always perform at that level.”
Horse puckey. 😉
“…once you claim the desire to attain more success, you can.”
I like this snippet. It’s the most helpful string of words in this post that’s pretty awesome in the first place.
If we decide to CLAIM the desire, that desire grows within us. Giving ourselves permission to want something is often the biggest hurdle. once overcome, the other obstacles that SEEMED to be the problem shrink away.
Thanks for the reminder Donna.
Keep Stepping!
Kurt
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Hi Kurt,
Thanks so much for adding to the conversation in your comment.
I too believe that once we CLAIM desire, it grows. There will always be obstacles because that is just how life goes.
Once we understand that, we are set free and claim what we rightfully deserve…Success in all parts of our life.
-Donna
Donna.Merrill recently posted..Summertime Psychic Fun
Twitter: marquitaherald
January 12, 2013 at 10:23 am #
Great tips Donna. You know I saw this time and again when I was in direct sales. Someone would work really hard to grow their business, and just at the threshold serious success – everything would fall apart. They would come up with all kinds of reasons why they suddenly couldn’t find the time, or they would fall behind paying for their products, and in some cases just outright quit. I never got used to seeing people crash and burn like that.
marquita herald recently posted..The Secret to Living a Bigger, Bolder Life
It happens Marquita!
I notice that and I think it is because of the “responsibility” success carries.
One might not even realize it on a conscious level. It’s like the freeze up and/or walk away.
But…when recognizing the point of the success level one achieves, they need to kind of re-vamp their daily schedule to handle the situation – That is all it boils down to in a nutshell.
Donna
Donna.Merrill recently posted..REVERSING NEGATIVE THOUGHTS
Donna, this was a condition that I fell into for a short time back in 2006.
While I was laid up in the hospital receiving my Chemo infusion I did quite a bit of preparatory work so that I could re-kindle my real estate investing career once I would be able to get out of the hospital and back on my feet. I downloaded names and addresses of real estate brokers, mortgage brokers, and investors. I created a newsletter and then my dad would print out the newsletters for me and buy me stamps and would send them out for me. I started gathering website addresses and started my online journey for the business as well.
When my 7-month Chemo stint was over I told myself that I would get going and really start promoting my business. I began to develop a network around the U.S. but I started connecting with some really big players and when I would read their bios I started baulking and making excuses as to why I couldn’t submit deals to may of them. This went on for a few months and I started to ask myself “Michael, what is the problem”?
It finally dawned on me that I had actually become afraid of success. “Could I join the game”? I would go to contact a large Funding House on the phone and I would pick up the phone to dial and then get real nervous; so much so that I would have to put the phone down. I would have to do that several times before I would actually be able to push the numbers on my cell phone.
I started receiving some astronomically large seller-carried mortgage deals, now they didn’t end up going to closing but it made me realize after submitting a few and being on three-way phone conversations with investors with large sums of money to throw around that I do know what I am doing and I CAN DO THIS!
After going through this several times and really listening to the conversations that I was having, I finally was able to make myself realize that these people I was talking to are just that; people. The worst that could happen is that the deal falls through and I submit it to another investor.
some times we have to force ourselves to “Just Do It” in order to get over the fear of success.
What a great story Michael.
Thank you! I know the feeling well. But when you get down to it, people are just people. We cannot look up to people. In my book, I only look up to God.
Keeping that in mind, it eases the anxiety if I have to speak to someone that I’m uncomfortable doing. It happens!
But look at what the great lesson you learned!
BRAVO!
Donna
Donna.Merrill recently posted..Is It Crazy To Talk To Yourself?
Hey Donna!
I will admit that this one >> People only get to be ‘successful’ by taking unfair advantage of ordinary folks. << was something I grew up with because that's all I saw. Those who seemed to have been on the top were the ones I saw doing some of the most negative, awful, people hating things and I didn't want parts of it.
However, luckily, I've grown up and removed that idea from my head, even though there will always be people like that. I have changed what success means to me which also helped.
Nice to see ya! 🙂
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Good for you Kesha,
I know what you mean. I grew up in a neighborhood like that also! The only people that were “successful” when I was a kid were the guys in the limo’s. (You know what I mean)
I kept far away from them, but then, growing….I exposed myself to other people in other places and learned what success is!
Glad you removed that idea from your head. I did the same thing!
Donna
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Twitter: Barbara Charles
January 10, 2013 at 5:32 pm #
Donna. You are so right that fear can hamper your success and it is such a hard thing to get over. My biggest fear is getting on the phone and that is a big problem since business is usually on the phone. I will try definitely try to stop the self-talk and work toward being more positive. Thanks you for writing this.
Barbara
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I’m shocked Barbara.
I can’t believe that you have a fear of getting on the phone! You are so naturally outspoken and a great communicator. You are also so intelligent. But I guess all that stuff doesn’t mater if there is fear attached.
Gotta work on that one! How about you pretend you are talking to a friend like one of us on our mastermind group? Each time you call put a face of one of us on the other end of the receiver.
Let me know if it works.
Donna
Donna.Merrill recently posted..Is It Crazy To Talk To Yourself?
Great article here Donna! Fear of success is usually something subconscious revolving around some event or the way a person feels about himself or herself. This can be overcome with preparation, persistance, support, and just plain old action. I remember some quote about ‘doing what you fear most’. This tells us that sometimes our fears are unreal just a perception.
Ashley Porter recently posted..Getting Focused To Take Action
So on point Ashley!
I love that quote “doing what you fear most.” Fear of success is in our subconscious mind.
I find that people who take the challenge to acknowledge this, is the first step. Then, by the many modalities we have offered to us, pick one and roll up their sleeves to meet that head on.
We can overcome ANYTHING! …..if we choose!
Donna
Donna.Merrill recently posted..How To Condition Yourself
Donna, thanks for the helpful exercise in your video! Linking to those feelings and states is so powerful. Linking to both early memories and recent memories of success is so much better than linking to prior failures. We also have to be honest that sometimes we don’t want the work and responsibility of greater success, as well, and be willing to stretch to learn the skills needed to embrace both the success and responsibility.
Hi Steve,
Success is a funny word. It means different things to different people.
But, when it becomes a “block”in your growth or toward the goal you are trying to achieve…that’s a problem!
I find that when one relaxes and feeds information to the subconscious mind, the many “Unknown Blocks” can be overcome.
Thanks for visiting Steve,
Donna
Donna.Merrill recently posted..How To Condition Yourself
People have a overwhelming fear of change, of something new and different. They would rather remain where they are rather then take the chance of maybe improving their situation.
Yes Kevin,
When they do that – they are only staying in their box, their comfort zone and we all love to do that don’t we?
I like to shout out that they CAN change! Sometimes they just are not aware that they can do it.
This is why I love to blog about a few tricks they can use to do so.
Donna
Donna.Merrill recently posted..Is It Crazy To Talk To Yourself?
Donna I encountered “fear of success” often working with alcoholics and substance abusers in treatment. After being in treatment for awhile and sober the reality of responsibility would sink in. All the excuses had been removed and there was no place to hide. It was time to do the inside work and that was scary. As one woman put it, “I am as scared to be successful as I am to fail.” She brought this up because after a lot of dedication and hard work she had received a promotion on her job and proven to herself and her family that she took her recovery seriously. Now the promotion brought on more responsibilities and she was afraid of what people would expect from her and if she continued to do well what more challenges would she encounter. The fear was so strong she almost wanted to not strive for more. Glad to say she got herself a strong foundation of supports and overcame the fear. Thanks for the post
What a great story Lydia!
After treatment, one can go into the world again with many fears. It is a giant leap to even get into the job force again with the stresses and strains.
The woman you mention had good reason for her fears, but the great thing is that she got herself good support to overcome that fear.
Thank you for an excellent illustration of this post.
Donna
Donna.Merrill recently posted..Success Quotes
Why do we find it so easy to be mean to our own selves, Donna? I bet if we were talking to a friend we’d be encouraging as heck. But when it comes to ourselves? Oh no, I can’t, I won’t be able to, I’m not good enough…
We’re nuts!
Maybe there’s that cultural thing where we have to be sure to put ourselves down so other people won’t think we’re annoying or arrogant. It’s a lot easier to get someone to sympathize than it is to get someone to support our happy thoughts!
Well, here’s to our success! Time to break out of bad habits and negative thinking. And you always have the inspiring words to help us along.
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Thanks Carol Lynn,
It can be a cultural thing, a sentence from our mother or father, or even worse…but whatever it is, we have to get over it.
I cannot tell you the money I’ve spent in therapy just to get over this hump in my life. I used to be afraid of success many many years ago and coined it to the fact that this is the way I grew up. “An honest days work for an honest days pay.” Oh so limiting.
When the self-help books weren’t doing the trick, I sought out a therapist that worked with me and self esteem issues…thank God he was a hypnotherapist also. Whoopie I am A Fee Woman!
Donna
Donna.Merrill recently posted..Success Quotes
Twitter: nkeriakos
January 8, 2013 at 12:24 pm #
Hi Donna,
Great Post Donna! Lots of people have these feelings and at sometimes I have it too.
It’s really hard to believe that anyone could be afraid of success, although success is usually a good thing. But it is more common than we think. Most often, it’s not the success itself that scares people but the responsibilities and uncertainties that come along with success.
Thanks for sharing this post Donna! It helped me and I am sure it will help others as well.
Be Blessed,
Neamat
I agree Neamat.
Sometimes it is the responsibilities and uncertainties that come along with it. It is always an uncertain journey when we step out of our box isn’t it?
Wen must constantly take our “baby steps” if we fear that in order to overcome it. Each time I get myself into a new project it looks like a giant to me, but I know I have to approach it one step at a time.
And yes, it is the uncertainties that frighten people. But when faced with this, why not think about life in general. Nothing is certain.
Thank you for your awesome input.
Donna
Donna.Merrill recently posted..Success Quotes
Donna,
I always hate the phrase “You are where you are because that is where you want to be!” I hate it because I believe it is true and that means I want to be a long way from the success that I claim to want.
Great article. It also reminded me of “Your confort zone is your failure zone.”
Oh Hale Yes!
Hale recently posted..Productivity Tip to Combat Large Project Overwhelm
Hale,
So true “your comfort zone is your failure zone.” I like that!
There are so many negative phrases we hear from the moment we arrive on planet earth lol.
When all is said and done, we need to get over it! Fight our way through what we think we cannot do and just do it.
There are too many people in their comfort zone and they are not reaching their full potential.
Donna
Donna.Merrill recently posted..Success Quotes
Twitter: suejprice
January 8, 2013 at 2:21 am #
Hi Donna
I love this post and you look great in the video. I think this is a huge issue and I relate to it.
I was told not to get my hopes up often by my mother. I had a grandfather who I adored and he always told me I could do anything. I grew up with the idea I could. I chased success and had several businesses.
Then some years back we had a big business failure. It really knocked me around and I know I still carry the scars. It only hit me recently that I was being very cautious with becoming successful again on the basis it might not last – eek!
I am working on changing that one. A great post Donna.
Sue
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Hi Sue,
Ahhh this is a classic example and I thank you for sharing it. So many times people get discouraged because of that big fall. It effects us in so many ways and can make us tread softly in our next business venture.
But…If you look at the “guys on the top” they will reveal how many failures they had to get over to reach their full potential of success.
I know you can be guarded by this fiasco, but girl, if you did it once, you can do it again, with more knowledge and better understanding to protect yourself from falling down.
Hey, Look at Donald Trump. How many times has he claimed bankruptcy? It is all part of his game. And He always finds a way back on top.
Thanks for sharing your story,
Donna
Donna.Merrill recently posted..Success Quotes
Twitter: AdrienneSmith40
January 7, 2013 at 10:33 pm #
Great message Donna,
So it’s really kind of strange in my family because my grandfather had his own business, my Dad had his own business and my brother eventually went into business for himself. When I got out of school my Dad offered to help me open my own business but at that time what I was doing was not the direction I wanted to go.
So my Mom always told me that I would never be successful unless I became a doctor or a lawyer. Now she knew I had a learning disability and there was no way I would ever pursue either of those careers. But then again, no one in my family ever became rich from owning their own business either so I think my Mom just wanted me to have security with a job.
Because I wasn’t very good in school I always thought I was stupid. I didn’t understand back then what my problem was, not until years later but as we all know, it’s embedded into your brain unconsciously all throughout your life. That’s why I always settled for what I thought I was suppose to do.
I never considered myself an entrepreneur, I still don’t really today. It’s taken me quite some time to get to where I am right now and I’m constantly working on my mind. Hey, with people like you in my corner how can I not succeed right!
Thanks Donna for your fabulous message in your post and your video. You rock girl!
~Adrienne
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Adrienne,
I can resonate with your backgroud. Mine growing up was something like my dad saying to me “You are my biggest disappointment” or “You will never get anywhere” and it got worse. Bless his soul.
But after many years of low self esteem and believing I was a little nothing, I had enough! I didn’t fear success in as much as I didn’t believe I could ever achieve it.
When I opened my first off line business my dad was still alive and he would just give me negative comments, but by then I was learning neuro-linking and other modalities to overcome all that noise in my head.
Once I believed in myself there was no stopping me and still today I am unstoppable and thank God every day for that.
Donna
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Twitter: sylvianenuccio
January 7, 2013 at 6:52 pm #
Hi Donna,
As I was listening to your video when you said, maybe you heard “don’t get your hopes up”, what the heck of a stupid statement that is, isn’t? It just resonated in my head as you were saying it. It’s the type of statement that 100% against what the law of attraction is all about.
A lot of times fear of success comes with our upbringing you are so right. My mother had that a lot. She was wishing her kids to succeed but not herself. She was so programmed by her crappy childhood. I wasn’t aware of this back then, but I sure am now!
Thanks for addressing this issue.
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Hi Sylviane,
Most of it does come from childhood. A parent, teacher, coach,or anyone in authority when we are young can have a profound effect on our subconscious mind today.
I find it a problem because most people don’t connect the dots when it comes to the subconscious mind.
Well you are the authority on that one my friend!
Donna
Donna.Merrill recently posted..Success Quotes
Boy, Donna, do you hit home for SO MANY of us out there who deal with this at some level! Great post about an issue that is much more common than most probably realize, including among many of those, I’m sure, who hide behind an image of success, including a huge number of celebrities. Such fear is what drives many of them to derail their own success through drug use, marital infidelity, and even suicide.
Steve Vernon recently posted..Is Your Bad Grammar Making a Bad Impression?
Good point Steve!
It can be as small as a little stumbling block to get over or as large as a celebrity with inner fears.
Hmmm much to think about!
Donna
Donna.Merrill recently posted..Success Quotes
Great post Donna
Strikes at the heart of the issue.
People just have to believe that they can achieve their success and not settle for second best or even less.
It can be extremely difficult to escape from the mental conditioning you’re exposed to in your early life but it’s something you must do.
Mark 🙂
Absolutely Mark!
If we hit this block, we need to address the issue and find a way to “Pick ourselves up and get back in the game” as Frank Sinatra would croon!
There are so many different modalities out there to do so, and all one has to do is reach out!
Donna
Donna.Merrill recently posted..Fear of Success
Fear of success is so totally real! People have these big dreams and are almost crippled when they start thinking about the “what ifs”. I also think that many people want to be successful but they “know” they aren’t and they feel like a sham and that all their friends and family already “know” they’re not successful. I think that is what keeps many people from offering a business opportunity to their friends and family.
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Hi NettieMae,
What if’s is a killer when it comes to doing something different. There is always room for success. Some fear it because, like you mentioned, they fell like they don’t want to bother their friends and family. And they don’t have to.
Some businesses tell you to Go to your warm list of friends and family. I don’t think that is a good idea. It is too much pressure linked to your relationships with them.
Rather, go out and find new people. There are endless ways to do so.
Thanks,
Donna
Donna.Merrill recently posted..Fear of Success
Twitter: MayuraDeSilva
January 7, 2013 at 12:14 am #
Hey Donna,
Yeah, I’ve been always wondering that even there is proven success tips for any subject, people running behind sweet white lies or being idle 🙂 Still we can see lot of examples online, no? Is that because free good advices are not coming with a bill attached? 😉
I love this video 🙂 I can relate here as I was used to hide behind illusions sometimes too. If I was hiding behind all, I don’t think I’m here commenting right now. I’m grateful for all the awesome friends I have on my side including you Donna 🙂
One thing there when you talk about education dear. I do know some folks personally, that they think they won’t be success unless they act like Bill Gates, Steve Jobs and Mark Zuckerberg. They wanna take pride of being drop out of the college and build the best brand in the World. Now I’d like to hear what advice you would give fr ’em? 🙂
Have a very successful week for you Donna 🙂
Cheers…
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Mayura,
The advice I would give to them is to research all the time and efforts these people have put into their business. Then research on youtube and anywhere you can their story.
They will find out that their success didn’t come easy. There were many “failures” they had to overcome and learn.
The problem with those who want to be the next Bill Gates or others is that they don’t know the whole story. And maybe …. just maybe they are going to that goal with “pride” which will immediately screw up any business venture. I would say, stay in college so you have a back door in case some one some where decides that the internet has to be done differently.
One cannot put all their eggs in one basket. I have this business, my psychic business, my real estate investments and also an antique business that I love to do for fun. See what I mean? I’ve been an entrepreneur all my life. Tell them to stay in school because we all need a back door.
Donna
Donna.Merrill recently posted..Fear of Success
Hey, Donna,
it is me having this fear of success. it is because of this deep conditioning fro childhood. So success actually threatens loosing the sense of self. I have heard of this NLP technique called collapsed anchors. Haven’t found anyone who can do it.
The technique you suggest is good. may be have to practice it more. i have been working with dissolving limiting beliefs and being in the creator’s space. We mistake ourselves to be a piece of sculpture, because we forget we are the sculptor. 🙂
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Margarita
You have come such a long way. NLP does work in this situation and I know someone in the field that can help. I’ll PM you with their links because they are close friends and I have worked with them.
Donna
Donna.Merrill recently posted..Fear of Success
Hey Donna..I agree a lot of us deal with this issue at one time or another as illogical as it sounds. It’s definitely worth thinking about how success would change our lives and what about that is scary.
I was thinking about this recently when someone told me they couldn’t do something because they were too broke. I wondered then if this was a pattern…and if they keep themselves broke to avoid making decisions or getting more involved in life…something they had some fear around.
Clearly there is a payoff in this case to staying poor…and maybe there is some fear there they are avoiding. You raise some interesting questions. Thanks for your post… and congrats on hanging in there with the daily blogging!
Celeste Smucker recently posted..If you must doubt…doubt your limits
Hi Celeste,
I love that excuse “I’m broke”… I hear that a lot, but then see the same person turn around and purchase a hundred dollar shirt. Go figure?
It is priorities I guess. But some have a deep rooted fear of failure. It comes from way back when they were just a kid. It overtakes their lives and they make the same mistakes over and over again.
This leads to depression, low self esteem, cheating themselves out of all that the wold can give. If it gets too out of hand it is time for therapy. But the problem there is that most won’t even do that. SMH!
DONNA
Donna.Merrill recently posted..Fear of Success
I think that many people have these feelings and sometimes without even knowing it. Thanks for posting this article it is very well written.
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Hi Jeremy,
Yes, I agree that people sometimes have these feelings and are not aware of them. Ergo…the reason I wrote about it lol!
Donna
Donna.Merrill recently posted..Fear of Success